It has been long indeed, and I am absolutely, horribly sorry for what you have to read next. I suggest that you take a few deep breaths before you proceed, just to calm yourself down, yenno?
Okay. So let’s be real. We both know that my next paper is on the 21st, and we both know that I couldn’t possibly have been studying for that whole duration of time, right? Right. I haven’t exactly been busy, and I haven’t been completely honest as well, one reason for this being so is that I am honestly not in a position to be honest. I don’t know how to be.
I haven’t opened any of your messages, none of them that you have sent in the past 3 days. I can only imagine what you’re feeling right now. Is it rage? Is it confusion? Or is it a combination of both, because I have been there, and I know exactly how shit it must be if you are indeed going through the motions of feeling whatever it is I think you are, yet hope you are not. I do apologize though, of all people, one would think I’d be sensible enough to not be the cause of something so painful but my brain, for some reason does not have a better reaction and therefore, here we are.
Enough being all twisty and confusing, I cannot deal with myself anymore and I definitely don’t expect you to do so at the moment. If it is anger you are feeling towards me, carry on.
The reason I’ve been so distant lately, is because I feel that you don’t actually know what you’re feeling for me. It feels like you have fallen in love with this image you have conjured up of me, and I honestly have no idea how to react to that. I feel that this image you have conjured is in a sense “too good to be true”. By description, I am not as perfect as you think I am, I am so flawed it’s crazy. I cannot even begin to describe myself to you, and therefore I don’t expect you to comprehend me, the same way I cannot comprehend myself.
And regarding this image you have conjured up of me. How much of it is based on reality? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling you out on being too pushy or too unrealistic or anything, but honestly, how much do we actually know each other? How accurate are the images of each other we have formed in our minds? How much of these images are based on what we want to see and believe about the other person, and how much of these are actually based off of the reality of what we really are?
I think you’re falling too fast into this, you know? I think that you’re falling too fast for something you’re not actually sure of, for something that is not certain by nature or in thoughts or whatever it is. I don’t think that I am capable of falling for you the way you have already fallen for me. I don’t trust myself to. In a way, you could say that I have led you into a trap, in a way; you could link your downfall directly to me. As much as I can say that I do not want to be the cause of your pain, I know that I am. What sucks the most is that I can say that I accept the fact that I am the cause for all of this pain but cannot truly experience what you are experiencing.
In a sense, I believe we’re both wearing masks. Masks that we use to conceal hurt and disappointment and all that we have felt God knows how long ago in the past, but failed to completely let go of. I don’t want to let this mask lead me to throwing myself at you for we all know that desperation does not lead to anything good. I am desperate to forget, and in the midst of my desperation, I might do things I won’t be proud of, and one of them would be letting you down, not providing you the closure you need, you know? And the same goes to you, don’t let this mask get to you, don’t let your hurt overwhelm you.
In a sense, I am faithless. I am faithless in a sense that I don’t believe this can work out judging from what I expect to happen to me in the near future. I honestly have a lot of my plate that I cannot even carry without stumbling and falling. I don’t want to keep you hanging either.
Just so you know though, what I’ve said before, in the past 4 months or 5 that we’ve known each other, or rather, more recently in the 3 that we’ve actually admitted to being more than friends, is true. I do like you, yes, and this is the same reason I believe you can do better. I don’t believe that I am the one for you and I definitely don’t believe in having you wait on me, when I myself am uncertain about this relationship thing as a whole. You’re a really nice person, a brilliant person in fact, and you deserve better. It doesn’t contribute to your situation that I am an entire state away from you.
- and go to your wide futures, you said.
Praise Song For My Mother.